That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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