apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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