not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
why do cheetos always look like penises
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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