god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
