Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
