Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
