Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Can you bring me the toilet please
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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