her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
