Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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