I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
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