I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
