Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
