i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
