bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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