If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
