Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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