I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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