My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
