I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Sober January is a disaster.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
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