Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
