You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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