if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
