The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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