so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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