i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
He passed out mid-signature
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
