i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
