i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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