My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
