You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
