he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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