you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
