The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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