I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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