problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
