Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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