Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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