I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
