This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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