She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
