he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
