I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
