Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
