does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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