peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize