I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
