i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I smell like Dick and happiness
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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