I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
