Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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