I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
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