Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
