Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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