i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
