I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I want to fling myself into the sun
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
