where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
