Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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