do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
