Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
