If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
