I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
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