Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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